Belonging
Today I parted with £21. For that I get running club membership, a club vest and a reflective bib.
I did it, I signed on the dotted line and signed my life away. Or at least the running part of it. That's a price worth paying for race discounts, a vest, training runs with company, extra chances to get into big races and friendship with like minded people, surely? It will keep me out of trouble over winter, and get me what must be close to the cheapest pints in Leeds (hmm, not so sure that's an advantage, thinking about it...)
It feels odd though, committing myself to a team, complete with team vest and its name alongside mine in race results from now on. I kind of feel like I should have some connection with a place before wearing their colours, something more than them training at a relatively work and bus friendly time and place. If I'm going to represent a team, I want that team to mean something to me, so I care about doing well for them*. What real connection do I have with Kirkstall? Should I be representing them, and should I be committing myself so quickly to a club with an ethos and values I haven't really discovered yet?
But where do I identify with? Where else, if not Kirkstall? Where I grew up, and haven't lived for over 10 years? I wouldn't exactly make training that often there. Where I went to university? Snap. Where I lived either side of university? Snap. Where I live now? Where the closest club is ultra competitive, and awkwardly located? I don't have strong roots in any one place, and there's nowhere I particularly feel like I "belong". Ironically, Kirkstall probably is one of the closest clubs to where my grandparents have lived all my life, but is still that one step removed, taking the name of a slightly different suburb of the city. These small differences can make all the difference when it comes to belonging and identity.
At heart, I suspect that part of my indecision comes down to my reluctant Yorkshire-ness. I've always been acutely aware of the fact that I'm half Lancashire, half Yorkshire. While old county rivalries aren't maybe ingrained as much as they used to be, this is still a big one, and one that keeps rearing its head in a joking way in rugby circles at least. I've always had the "born down south" get out, but as time goes by, and I spend more time in Yorkshire I'm less and less inclined to move over to the other side, even though I still have family and a rugby club to support over there.
By wearing Kirkstall on my vest I'll be slipping irretrievably into Yorkshire-ness. At races in Lancashire I'd be marked out as from the other side of the hills, and I'd be giving out a signal that I belong to Yorkshire now. Is that, or is that not, the most pathetic excuse you've ever heard?
So I tried to put those thoughts to the back of my mind, and paid the money before I chickened out. I enjoy the runs, I have no problem with the pace (I'm not the slowest, but there are plenty faster than me to aspire to keep up with). It's easy to get to, and it's good value.
And now it's done. I'm signed up, and I will belong, whether I want to or not.
*Incidentally, this may help my racing, if I can start to feel like the club matters. At the moment if I don't think I can do a PB I ease off far too much after about 2/3 of the race and just potter to the finish. If there's a possibility of getting team points, or beating other club members then maybe it will keep me going so I at least perform as well as I can on the day, even if it's not my absolute best.
I did it, I signed on the dotted line and signed my life away. Or at least the running part of it. That's a price worth paying for race discounts, a vest, training runs with company, extra chances to get into big races and friendship with like minded people, surely? It will keep me out of trouble over winter, and get me what must be close to the cheapest pints in Leeds (hmm, not so sure that's an advantage, thinking about it...)
It feels odd though, committing myself to a team, complete with team vest and its name alongside mine in race results from now on. I kind of feel like I should have some connection with a place before wearing their colours, something more than them training at a relatively work and bus friendly time and place. If I'm going to represent a team, I want that team to mean something to me, so I care about doing well for them*. What real connection do I have with Kirkstall? Should I be representing them, and should I be committing myself so quickly to a club with an ethos and values I haven't really discovered yet?
But where do I identify with? Where else, if not Kirkstall? Where I grew up, and haven't lived for over 10 years? I wouldn't exactly make training that often there. Where I went to university? Snap. Where I lived either side of university? Snap. Where I live now? Where the closest club is ultra competitive, and awkwardly located? I don't have strong roots in any one place, and there's nowhere I particularly feel like I "belong". Ironically, Kirkstall probably is one of the closest clubs to where my grandparents have lived all my life, but is still that one step removed, taking the name of a slightly different suburb of the city. These small differences can make all the difference when it comes to belonging and identity.
At heart, I suspect that part of my indecision comes down to my reluctant Yorkshire-ness. I've always been acutely aware of the fact that I'm half Lancashire, half Yorkshire. While old county rivalries aren't maybe ingrained as much as they used to be, this is still a big one, and one that keeps rearing its head in a joking way in rugby circles at least. I've always had the "born down south" get out, but as time goes by, and I spend more time in Yorkshire I'm less and less inclined to move over to the other side, even though I still have family and a rugby club to support over there.
By wearing Kirkstall on my vest I'll be slipping irretrievably into Yorkshire-ness. At races in Lancashire I'd be marked out as from the other side of the hills, and I'd be giving out a signal that I belong to Yorkshire now. Is that, or is that not, the most pathetic excuse you've ever heard?
So I tried to put those thoughts to the back of my mind, and paid the money before I chickened out. I enjoy the runs, I have no problem with the pace (I'm not the slowest, but there are plenty faster than me to aspire to keep up with). It's easy to get to, and it's good value.
And now it's done. I'm signed up, and I will belong, whether I want to or not.
*Incidentally, this may help my racing, if I can start to feel like the club matters. At the moment if I don't think I can do a PB I ease off far too much after about 2/3 of the race and just potter to the finish. If there's a possibility of getting team points, or beating other club members then maybe it will keep me going so I at least perform as well as I can on the day, even if it's not my absolute best.
posted by YP at 10:20 PM
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