Video Evidence!

Click here, select Berlin Marathon and enter number F4395...

I start right at the back of the frame on the left hand side, in a bright pink top...

Recovering

3.7 miles today, my legs are definitely recovering. It's nice just being able to run for fun again, to wake up in the morning and decide how far I fancy running, depending on how my legs feel, and how my brain feels.

How you know you're a runner... you complete a marathon and still want to go out on a cold dark morning for a run to loosen your legs up.

Legs

My legs actually felt stiffer today than they did yesterday, but I still went out for a 2 mile run to keep them moving again. I'm not expecting to break any records in Amsterdam, and that's not why I'm running it, but I want to keep my legs moving a bit so that I can at least run all the way and have fun rather than struggling through it.

I liked the pain in my quads today though. Every time I took a step and they twinged it was a reminder of what I've done, just in case I was danger of forgetting. I've earned that pain, and I'm proud of it.

Hopefully I'll manage 3 or 4 miles tomorrow, but I'll see how I feel when I get up.

The day after....

Thank you everyone for your comments, it really means a lot to me. One thing I forgot to say yesterday (there were so many things I wanted to say yesterday that my fingers ran out of energy) was that I thought about you lot on the way round, and it really helped me. Just knowing that I can inspire people to do things they never thought were possible, and that people out there who I've never met actually care about what I do really kept me going. That might have been one of the other times I started welling up. There were quite a few times where that happened...

Jackie - I didn't get any text updates either. Not that I had my phone on me, but I was hoping to have them on it when I got back so I could check my times without queueing for a printout.

I've found all the splits on the internet though (although no photos as yet). Roughly (I haven't got them in front of me as I type), the first half took 2:08, and the second half 2:43 (does that add up to 4:51?) My two slowest half marathon times ever, but then I don't normally run them back to back! Actually, splitting it out like that puts things into perspective - the people who wanted me to do the Great North Run with them are aiming for 2:30 - 2:40 for the half - and I managed that time for the second half of the full marathon, with a dodgy stomach.

My legs feel fine tomorrow, and tomorrow I want to get out there and run, just for fun and the pleasure of it. Not too far, but something. I think, from the way my legs feel today, that I had more in them than I used yesterday, and that is giving me a great incentive to get out there sometime in the future and try another marathon to see what I can do, hopefully without the heat and pain!

But for now I'm just celebrating with some sparkling red wine (which I like far more than sparkling white/champagne) and utterly decadent chocolates.

Meanwhile I will leave you with some photos...

Me at the end...



Me at the Brandenburg Gate today...



And the Brandenburg Gate made out of chocolate...

I ran a marathon!

They do say that things come in threes. Well, the three things that I'd have put top of my “please, not on marathon day” list all trundled along as I feared.

1.TOM
2.Cold
3.Bakingly hot weather.

In a way it was a good thing. No, really. It made me take the pressure off myself. I knew from the way the weather was looking and the way I was feeling that I was never going to run a fast time, or achieve anything near my potential. But equally, you don't train and plan for months and then not turn up on the day. Maybe if I was an experienced marathoner, only here to do a good time I'd have pulled out, but when it's your first and you've been building up to it since February you go out, you do it, you just change your goals a little. (Obviously there are limits to that, you don't just go out and do it anyway if it would be stupid to do it, but if it's safe, it will just slow you down a bit, you don't pull out at this stage. Or at least I don't.)

On Saturday I was strangely calm. I expected to be sent into a bit of a panic by getting here and realising how big a task I was taking on, but I wasn't. It was very much like before my first half. I wasn't worried. I knew that I'd trained as well as I realistically could have done, and I knew that I could just go out there and see what happened.

I got to Berlin OK after a strange shock when I realised there were people on the flight who didn't even know it was happening. I'd kind of assumed that marathon fever would be apparent from check in onwards, but while there were other runners on the plane, we weren't the majority. I suppose I shouldn't have been too surprised, I remember the time I went to Rome on the weekend of the Rome marathon in 1999 and didn't know about it until I saw them running round. I think the word I used in my head to describe them was “lunatics”.

I checked in at the hotel and felt very smug when the receptionist asked whether I was here for the marathon (I look like a runner!) and handed me the price list for massages in the hotel health club. I had another smug moment when I got to the bedroom and double checked that, as in Prague, the hotel bathrobe not only goes round me (I remember the days when it got nowhere near) but crosses over loads.

I went out to the expo. This is where I started to see the lunacy of one aspect of the whole plan. Not the running a marathon bit, but running a marathon in a country where I don't speak a word of the language, and in a city with the most complicated public transport system known to man. From what I can gather there are engineering works on one of the bits of the line between the town centre and the expo, and some trains are being diverted, and trains in both directions go from one platform at one of the stations. They make lots of announcements in German about what to do, you have to get on and off trains, and they don't follow the routes on the map. Except for me it's very much pot luck whether I even get in one going in the right direction, let alone on the right route.

At the expo I kept my head down and headed straight for the registration bit. I was armed with bits of paper, thrust them at people and got pointed in the right direction. I feel I should apologise to Germany, I normally make a bit more of an attempt to learn the language, but this time I was truly shocking. I can actually understand menus (just about) from skills picked up in Gran Canaria. There are lots of German tourists, and German restaurants in GC. I go to GC a lot, and I haven't been to Germany for well over 10 years, maybe 15. In GC waiters and the like sometimes ask for your order in German, I then reply in Spanish because I know more of it. This has led to the truly bizarre instinctive responsethat when I get asked for my order in German IN GERMANY I try to reply in Spanish. How to confuse people in one easy step...

Anyway, race number, chip and finishers t-shirt acquired, I then set out for the second part of my Expo task – finding some “Basica Sport” to try. I've done almost all of my training with Lucozade, and I've never come across this bizarre German sports drink before. But I knew that, short of carrying litres and litres of Lucozade with me, I'd have to drink it on the way round, and I wanted to try some before the race just to check it was digestible. It seemed to be (but more on that later).

There's one thing about Germany – you don't need to worry about going without a huge carby, starchy meal. I wanted an early night, so went to a hotel just over the road from the hotel for some baked mozarella with rocket, cherry tomatoes and tagliatelle. I really did struggle to finish it. And while one part of me was pleased that I seemed to have learned something and was wanting to stop eating with something left on my plate, the other part of me was trying to force it down in an effort to carb load as much as I could. I'd only had a bready type thing for lunch, and hadn't really made much headway on the Jaffa Cakes and Malt Loaf, because the cold had killed my appetite, but I realised that not eating was precisely the way NOT to prepare for the race, so forced the rest of the pasta down.

Then back to the hotel to pack my race bag, pin my number on my top and above all attempt to sleep. I'd worried that I wouldn't sleep through excitement, when it was actually my cold doing most of the damage to my sleep patterns. Waking up every so often because I couldn't breathe wasn't the way I'd hoped to spend the night, although at least it saved me from my now customary mistake of setting the alarm on my phone for the time I want to get up without changing the time zone. I do this every time I go away, you'd think I'd have learned by now!

Up on Sunday morning I got myself down to breakfast, which was a fantastic spread. But I knew what sort of things I wanted to be eating and stuck to those. I'd taken my own tried and tested muesli down with me (wouldn't want the hotel to only have one with bits of dried banana aka the devil's fruit in it), and wanted to get some fresh fruit and yoghurt to have with it. Not a problem. I also wanted a couple of slices of dark German rye bread with butter and jam. Check. All in all a success.

To the start. This is where it really started hitting me what I was about to do. I ignored the warm up. I'm unco-ordinated at those things at the best of times, so attempting to follow orders barked out in German just wasn't going to happen. I just watched, tried not to move around too much, got in the toilet queue. Got back in the toilet queue. And so on.

We were right at the back. The last pen is for people doing their first marathon and slow people, so I fitted right in. The fast people and the wheelchairs and everyone else got off, and finally we got walked to the start for the Block H start. I have to admit there were a couple of times before the start that I was practically in tears, which I thought didn't bode well for my emotional state at the end. Damn them and their playing of inspirational music!

And finally, at about 9.15, we were off. It seemed to be a pretty good start, we were running as we crossed the start line (the block in front had gone then they left a couple of minutes before starting us). I got into a decent stride and was really happy with my progress. I got to 5k without any trouble, 10k, 15k, 20k and through the half way point. I was taking drinks and gels roughly on schedule, and feeling pretty good. I had a loo stop, but didn't lose any time queuing. German efficiency!

Then at about 24k it all started to go wrong. For one thing, running at 9am under clear blue skies hadn't been so bad, but the heat had really started to build by 11.30. And there were the other problems. It started in my stomach. I don't know whether it was period pain, a bad reaction to the Basica, or my stomach reacting from being given so much sugar and refined carbs in the past 48 hours. At first it was just a heaviness, and pain. At this stage I was running between water stations and then walking the whole length of them. In the first half I'd only walked for the part of the water station where I was actually drinking, so my walk breaks were much longer at this stage than they had been earlier. I also noticed that my cold had moved from my nose to my chest, and that when I needed to cough they were the sort of coughs that have you stopping, bending double, coughing out phlegm (sorry for TMI, and apologies in advance for more to come) and then carrying on. Not the sort of coughs you can do on the run.

Having run a decent first half I was definitely slowing down. I also realised that when I attempted to take more energy on board, whether it was from a gel, Basica or jelly babies, it made my stomach a lot worse, so from then on in I decided that I'd stick to water, and try to use what energy I already had stored up inside me wisely.

And then it got worse. From the feeling I'd had between 24 and 30km or so that I might suddenly need to urgently find a loo for a bout of violent diarrhoea (I did warn you...), after 30k my stomach increased its rebellion. At this stage it decided that almost anything, including water, may induce a case of violent vomitting. Anything sugary was already out, but even water was threatening to start it off. This was a problem. On the one hand I didn't want to do anything that would leave me on the side of the road expelling a stream of fluorescent sports drinks and gels. But equally I knew that in those temperatures, not drinking would be a very bad idea indeed. I could just about manage to drink if I took longer walk breaks straight after doing it, so that's what I decided to do. At this point I knew that any hope of my original 4 hour dream was out of the window, and all I wanted to do was to get to the finish in one piece. Well, actually there were two things I wanted to do. The second was to run through the Brandenburg gate up to the finish line.

I started planning inside my head. By this stage my plan also had to take account of the fact that my pinned ankle was starting to twinge a bit. That's not something I want to flare up again, so I didn't want to aggravate that either. The basic plan was to walk a lot of the remaining distance, keeping going without throwing up (oh how I wanted to!), conserving a bit of energy for the final push. I took run breaks (as they now were) occasionally, just to remind me that I was a runner and not a walker, but I tried to store up a bit of momentum for the last km. I ticked the km markers off slowly. 36, 37, 38, 39, 40. At 40 I started to well up a bit because we turned back towards the finish and it was a pretty much straight run from there, moreover one that I'd walked a couple of times yesterday. I walk/ran from 40 to 41, and at just past 41 I decided to go for it. I could see the Brandenburg Gate and while I knew that the finish was further up, I knew it wasn't too much further.

I started to run. I ran past walker after walker after walker. I closed in on the gate and the photographers. I kept on running. I ran past the 42km marker, and I kept on running. I saw the finishing line getting closer and closer and closer, and I wasn't going to stop now. I ran across the finish line with my head held high.

I'd done it!!!

It wasn't a perfect run, I finished in 4:51:26, a fair bit slower than I'd been hoping for (and with the second half taking pretty much 3 hours of that). But I'd finished. I can now say that I've run a marathon. That's pretty unbelievable.

I got my medal, and some water, I went to the loo, I had a biscuit, and a Lucozade recovery drink from my bag. So far so good. I was walking around, taking my chip back for a refund, getting some people to take a photo of me with my medal. I took my trainers off and discovered, miracle of miracles, no blisters. Even better, only one bit of chaffing – and I'm really proud of it, because my sports bra rubbed my collar bone, which proves once and for all that they do stick out rather prominently!

I went to the medal engraving place and that's where it started to go wrong. Having handed my medal in to be engraved with my name and time, I was in the queue to pick it back up again when I started to feel very faint. I got out of the queue and sat down against the tent. I sat for a while, then felt better and got back in the queue. And then nearly fainted again.

Handy tips when running a marathon in a country where you don't speak the language. Instead of writing your name on your top, or on a plain piece of paper pinned to your top, buy a postcard with the Union Jack (or flag of choice) on it, write your name on it and pin it to your top. (It worked, I got people shouting at me in English on the way round). That way, when you're lying down by the side of the medal engraving point, people ask you whether you're OK in English. I suspected that I needed more water, and a lovely lovely German man gave me a bottle of it.

I finally got my medal back (I wasn't leaving without it! I most certainly did not want a doctor before I got my hands on that precious medal with my name on it). And, wisely turning down the free beer, I went to lie down under a tree, wrapped in a space blanket. Again, people were checking if I was OK, and I waved them away, although at this point I was deciding which option would be preferable – fainting in a toilet queue or releasing a stream of shit where I lay in an attempt to relieve the stomach pain. (Again, apologies for the graphic nature of this post). This is the part of the day where I most missed having a supporter with me. Not for cheering me on en route, or handing over drinks, but someone to lie me down somewhere cool after the race and go and fetch water and other supplies for me. Luckily the pain subsided before I embarassed myself fully.

After half an hour or so I felt well enough to walk back to the hotel, picking up a slightly salted bready thing on the way back (which I managed to eat half of before the pain returned). I made it back to the hotel, made use of the facilities, and lay down for a couple of hours rest (and typing this up, to be uploaded at later).

What this tells me is important. Firstly, while I might be able to run faster than I did today (and I'm sure that I can), if I'd tried to push myself any harder than I did, that fainting, queasy spell might have happened earlier and stopped me finishing the race. I felt grotty enough afterwards as it was, and I know that I did the right thing by slowing down and just aiming to finish.

And secondly, it means I now have a marathon PB to aim to beat next time I run one! That London application might just make it into the post on Tuesday or Wednesday, now I have a “previous best” time to put on the form.

I'm definitely feeling more alive now, so I think I'll have a shower, head out for a celebratory drink or two, and see where the evening takes me. I'm wary of drinking too much on the basis that I still don't feel much like eating anything and I suspect that rehydrating with alcohol isn't wholly recommended, but it would seem wrong to come to Germany, run a marathon, and not celebrate it in the traditional German way.

After all, I deserve it. I am a marathon runner!

M - 2: Back to basics

I hear you all asking, haven't you left yet? This last week seems to be going on forever. I am leaving for Germany in the morning, although as I'll have the computer with me that's no guarantee that I'll shut up.

There were two things I've been paranoid about for ages. The first was getting a cold this week. The second was getting my period. Today, a fantastically timed double whammy. The cold I've been trying to stave off has finally broken, as has TOM. Brilliant. I'm currently working on the hope that they'll both be relatively short lived, and on their last legs by Sunday. If not, well I'll take it a bit easier than I hoped, but I'll get round.

So with both of those making their presence felt, I really didn't fancy doing my last easy 2 mile loosening up run today. I didn't do it before work, and on the way home it was pouring with rain and I almost skipped it then too.

But then sanity hit, and the rain started easing off, and I decided to go out. I'm so glad that I did.

The thing about 2 mile runs is that I rarely do anything that short. And because it's not far there's only a limited choice of routes. So my 2 mile route took me back right to where it all started. Summer 2004, before I joined the gym, when I was "training" for the 1 mile Sport Relief run. I wanted to start running, but I had no idea where to start.

Sometimes after work I'd go for a "run" down to the park and back. A mile there, a mile back. I'd start off with good intentions, run for 30 seconds (on a good day) and then slip into a run/walk pattern on the trip down to the park. Then, absolutely worn out, I'd walk back (except, I have to say, the spell which involved me passing a work colleague's house. I made sure I ran that bit, just in case he spotted me). There was absolutely no way I'd have thought of running it all.

Since that early, abortive, attempt to start running I've rarely done that course. When I was building up my running I mainly ran on the treadmill at the gym so I could measure time and distance more accurately, and once I started running outside I had no need of 2 mile routes.

So today was probably the first time I've run the route since those days back in 2004. It really hit home how hard I used to find that route and how much I used to struggle with it. Running it today it was easy and short. I didn't need to stop or walk, and I barely broke into a sweat.

That tells me how far I've come. No matter how I run on Sunday there's no way I'd have ever dreamed back then that I'd be standing on that start line a little over 2 years later, and that I'd be standing there a size 10. It isn't about how I run on one day, even if it is the biggest race I've ever done. It isn't about one day to make or break my running story. It's about the journey, and improvements over time.

So I'll sign off for now with a bit more perspective on things, and a bit less fear.

See you in Germany!

Public Accountability

I've been weighing up whether to do this, but I think it will help (although I am generally more sane today. I managed to pack without having a panic attack, although I've been carefully avoiding looking at the clock on the sidebar for too long).

I said yesterday that I'm doing this for me, and I really am. I'm not raising money, I'm not doing this because it's someone else's dream. I'm doing it because it's my dream. It's not for my family or my friends, it's for me. I wanted it, I trained for it, and even if I don't manage it, I've only let myself down and not anyone else.

(On that subject, I haven't technically told my mother than I'm intending to run a marathon, although it's possible she's guessed. I'm waiting to surprise her when I see her on Thursday!)

BUT sometimes a bit of public accountability can spur you on a bit. If I'm not going too well then I could start thinking oh well, I could embelish the story a bit when I get online. They'll never know I actually walked the whole thing and took three days. I'd be lying to myself, and that's what matters, but sometimes it's just too easy to stretch the truth if you're not going to be found out.

So, in the spirit of accountability and to give me that bit more motivation to keep going when it gets tough I offer you the great YP marathon results service. I'm not actually running this, but it's free and I'm giving you all the details you need.

What you need to do is click here, and register for results using my number (F4395). The original info I had said that only three people could register, but the site doesn't mention any limits so having registered my phone number (so I can look at it every 10 minutes on Sunday evening) I'm letting you have the info. If it doesn't let you sign up, sorry. Also, if it doesn't work, that's not my fault either.

Of course, you don't actually have to sign up. It's just the knowledge that someone might have signed up that's enough to dissuade me from bending the truth a little when I get to write my race report!

(You can also watch the race here if you're in the US and want to pay out for it. I should point out though that I doubt I'll be up there with Haile and Sammy so the chances of seeing me are rather slim...)

M - 4: The Fear

It's hit. I always thought it was coming, and am a bit surprised it's taken so long to arrive. I'm officially scared now.

It's taper madness. The less I run the more I think about running. I sit on the bus home from work and I'm actually jealous of people just out running for the fun of it. My mind is constantly consumed by thoughts of Berlin, and I can't concentrate on anything else. Once I've run out of sensible, rational thoughts (like what I need to remember to pack), I start to move onto the irrational unhelpful ones. That's where the problems start.

When your rational fears get mixed up with your irrational ones it gets out of control. It's one thing worrying about your ability to run 26.2 miles, but I suspect that, however much the thought scares me, if I can't do it it at least won't be because I gain 106lb between now and Sunday. But still, that thought crosses my mind. What if I wake up obese on Sunday? What if this has all been a dream, and at the last minute the evil weight gain fairy decides to pay me a visit. It's not a realistic possibility, and it's irrational, but the dark heart of my fear stems from the fact that the old me wouldn't have been able to attempt this, without taking account of the fact that the new me can. So I regress back in my mind to the old me, to a time when I stayed within my physical limitations without deciding to do anything stupid like marathon running.

My rational brain is trying to persuade my irrational screaming coward that it's OK. I won't break any records, and I may well need walk breaks, but I'll get round. I've done enough training to manage that. There is no reason to think I'm any less prepared than a lot of other people lining up at the start, and I've certainly done more than Jade Goody managed before London. (Mind you, I'm not intending to drop out after 18 miles either). I've trained relatively on schedule, although I've cut a few miles here and there, but I've done 4 runs between 17 and 20 miles, and that's not too bad.

I think that part of it stems from the isolation I'm feeling at the moment. I don't really know anyone in real life who has gone through this whole thing. I know a runner, but not people who are trying to do a marathon on such a quick turnaround from absolute couch potato. Two years ago I was 100lb heavier than I am now. I sometimes forget how quick the whole process has been, and that excites and scares me at the same time. In my brain it seems like it would have been a different experience to do it if you were already fit in the first place, and anyway, he doesn't seem particularly interested in my run. We're not particularly good friends, and every time I mention it he reacts like it's news to him that he's hearing for the first time. I wouldn't feel comfortable having a heart to heart with him at this stage. The truth is that this matters more to me than it does to anyone else. Much more. Of course there are people who are interested, but they don't all realise how big it is. How I used to sit there watching marathons on tv when I was eighteen and a half stone just wishing that one day I'd be fit enough to do that. How on Sunday I'm going to take on the biggest "unattainable" challenge I ever had.

I love travelling alone usually, but part of me is dreading Saturday night, as I sit alone in Berlin with a sense of impending doom. I don't want to be wasting my carefully stored energy on panic attacks or hysteria. There are times when I want a real life, tangible hug or kick up the arse rather than an online or remotely issued one. There aren't many times, but I'm starting to suspect that this is one of them. I keep telling myself that the achievement will be all the more special for having done it all myself, but that doesn't replace the fact that at 6am or so on Sunday morning I'll wake up alone in a hotel bedroom in Germany scared of what I've got to do and with no-one to snap me out of it.

I'm really hoping I get to meet up with some of the RW forumites before the race, maybe on the flight (there are some on my flight). Not that they'll be staying in my hotel bedroom, but at least I'll be able to talk to someone on the Saturday about my fears without seeming like a total nutcase, and remind myself that other people are going through the same things.

I'm sure this is natural. If it was easy everyone would do it. If it was easy the training wouldn't have dominated the last 6 months of my life. If it was easy it wouldn't be special. It's just that it's suddenly dawned on me that (other than a light 2 mile jog) the next time I put those trainers on I'll really have to do it, rather than just talking and thinking about it. All the talk and self analysis and training in the world can't replicate the reality of 36,000 people and 26.2 miles.

M - 5: Noooo....

Yesterday I considered increasing my list of obsessions to 4, but didn't want to tempt fate.

The fourth was that on the bus on the way to work I noticed more people than normal coughing and sneezing. I immediately went into panic mode and worried that I'd catch something. I tried pathetically to cover my mouth with my hand, as though that would miraculously make me germ free (when all it actually did was encourage me to breathe through my nose). Maybe this is more of a paranoia thing than an obsession.

I tried not to get too worked up, after all they weren't sitting that near me, were they?

I'm not sure. This morning I felt a bit mucus-y. (Sorry if you're eating). It's not a full blown cold at this stage, but it's just not quite right. Admittedly it did get better during the day. I really hope that it's nothing and won't develop, but I've been dosing up on vitamin C and cold cures all day, just in case. Prevention is better than cure...

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Today I've also been giving some thought to my race plan. I have my HRM/footpod combo, and it's the first time I'll have raced in them, so I can be a bit more precise than usual. But I don't want to get too caught up with them, because my plan, at heart, is simple. Run, but not too fast, for as far as possible and then get to the end any way you can.

But in terms of things that will help me do that...

First part of the plan - don't get too hung up on what the HRM says in the early stages. I always get really high percentages, and I suspect that my maximum heart rate is higher than what the HRM estimates. Equally, for a first marathon I just want to run at a pace I feel happy with, rather than a pre-determined pace. I'm not going to write an endless list of split times down to refer to, and I'm not going to have any set in stone ideas. In an ideal world I'd like to think I could hit 9 minute miles. My training is in that ballpark -- my best long run was done at pretty much 10 minute miles, so on race day, nicely rested and full of adrenaline, I may well be able to go faster, and 9 minute miles is the sort of pace I've been hitting naturally throughout the taper. But if that's not what the monitor shows then I'm not going to try to speed up to hit it, and I'll leave the 4 hour marathon for another day.

Second part - energy - I have gels in a waist pack, and I've also got jelly babies. I was going to eat one each mile, until I realised that there aren't mile markers (it's marked in km). I quite like the idea of taking every mile as a separate challenge, with a jelly baby to mark the end of it. I could either take the miles off my HRM reading, or go for 1 jelly baby every 2km instead. I haven't decided yet. 42 jelly babies (1 per km) does seem a little excessive. As long as there are jelly babies involved somewhere I'll be happy.

Third - keeping going - I said that I was going to ignore my heart rate, and I kind of am, but I like the possibility of using my HRM as a motivational tool in the latter stages. Once when I was struggling on a training run I had my HRM locked onto a heart rate zone, and the constant beeping when I took walk breaks was quite good at getting me to start running again so I could get my heart rate back up into a zone the HRM liked. It's like an alarm that says "there's a lazy bugger over there taking a walk break when she should be running", and that seems to motivate me to start again before anyone notices! It seems a bit harder to slow down to stop creeping out of the top of it though, particularly when you're feeling good. But if I get to the stage where I want to take walk breaks, this could be a good way to make sure that they don't go on for too long. I'm not intending to set a HR zone in the first half of the race, but it might keep me running in the second half, if I need the motivation.

Fourth - music, or the lack of it - recently I've started running without my ipod because it's getting dark in the mornings. I've been weighing up the pros and cons of running with music. On the plus side it will possibly let me concentrate and focus, and the familiarity of my own music might help. But on the down side, maybe I need the atmosphere of the crowd to pull me through. I don't want to carry it round if I'm not going to listen to it, but do I want it there as a safety blanket with some specially picked and inspirational songs on it to get me through the hard parts?

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Gah. In my current state of mind - roughly "can't run too much, but can't stop thinking about running" I've been making plans for Amsterdam too. There is only so much I can do with my Berlin packing list, as it's been in pretty much final form for the past two weeks, and things that are missing tend to occur to me at random moments rather than when I'm looking at it.

So, Amsterdam. I've not really thought about that much at all, even though it's only three and a half weeks away (and no race pack yet!), but I found myself on the website last night and nearly died of shock. The half marathon I'm meant to be running doesn't start at a normal, civilised, running time, but at 2pm. Since when did you run a half marathon in the afternoon? I can see why, as the full and half marathon courses are different, but overlap quite a lot, and it would be a nightmare trying to have everyone running at the same time, but 2pm???

Which led to two panics in my head. First of all, my flight home, which is at 8.45 that evening. I'm not so slow that I'd miss it, but there's not likely to be much time for a celebratory meal or drinks afterwards before I need to head out to the airport.

And second, what on earth will I eat? I never run at 2pm and I have no idea how to feed myself in the hours before the race. At least it's not a real target race, and I was only ever intending to run at as a bit of fun with my friends, but still, if I can shave a bit off my PB if my legs have recovered enough I'd like to go for it. But 2pm... What on earth are they playing at?

M - 6: And today's obsession is...

Well, there are three. First the weather, which is looking worryingly good. To be quite honest, cool weather with light rain would do me nicely, but it seems that it might be *shock* warm and sunny. That could make things interesting, as I certainly won't be done before the heat of the day hits...

The second obsession was packing lists, having realised that I'd missed things off again. Most notably swimming stuff - despite having deliberately booked a hotel with a pool in case I wanted to give my weary legs a soak after the run or on Monday morning. More shockingly, I had exactly the same plan for the 10k I did in London and forgot my swimming stuff that time, and I had to make an emergency purchase in Top Shop.

And finally, I've tracked down a list of free wifi hotspots in bars and restaurants and the like. There is wifi at the hotel, but I suspect that it will be horrendously expensive, so my plan for Sunday evening (at least before the Marathon Party - if I'm still standing by then) is to find somewhere to get something to eat, something to drink, and type up a race report for all you nice people out there. I'm no novice to the solo travelling thing, but having the laptop and typing away will make me feel a bit less exposed anyway, and if I can find a bar that will let me surf away free then that's sounding more and more like a plan. Some of the ones I've found have websites and menus and the like online, and look like perfectly pleasant places to sit down and rehydrate with vodka and red wine...

ONE WEEK TO GO! (The name question)

I had a good 8 mile run today. OK, so I'm tapering and I'm not running that far, but it still felt a lot easier than a lot of the runs I've been doing recently, and I'm getting back to speeds that I'd been aiming to hit on that sort of run earlier on in my training. Maybe things will come good in the end after all.

Today's big question has turned out to be should I or shouldn't I write my name on my top on Sunday? Part of me wants to, thinking that I need every bit of support I can muster (even if I can't understand a word of it...), but I've read posts from people saying that it's OK if you're going well, but if you start to falter, hearing your name is the last thing you need. Also (and I know this is really pathetic) at the moment it looks like I'll be running wearing my favourite Sweaty Betty top, and I don't want to ruin it by writing my name on it.

Maybe I'll just put a laundry marker in the case and see how I feel on the day?

M - 8: Speed

I had a surprisingly fast run this morning. It was only 3 miles, and with my recent reduced mileage, no matter how hard I tried to rein myself in a bit, I was still rocketing along surprisingly well.

After months of marathon training, fast doesn't mean as fast as I used to run in the heady days of April, but it means faster than my realistic marathon pace, when I wasn't trying to do a pace run (and had no idea how feasible it was to run at that pace I set my sights on months ago after months of slow runs)

8 miles tomorrow, then I'm pretty much done.

M-10

Nothing too interesting to report today. I ran, on schedule, I ate carbs, I read the Berlin guide book. I sense that I'm about to move out of the "getting close and quite excited" stage into the "bloody hell, what have I agreed to do" stage. At the moment, I'm kind of in limbo. I've got used to the thought that it's in less than two weeks, but I've not yet had to confront being in the last week.

Tomorrow night or Saturday is the big carb shop, I'm also making myself some flapjacky carb loady treats to take with me over the weekend. A 3 miler and an 8 miler, and then I'm pretty much done.

Eek!

M - 11

A quick foot update, it seems to be recovering a little. It wasn't helped by me wearing new work shoes and taking some skin off my toes, but I seem to be able to run relatively pain free, which is good.

I've got a couple more jobs done, sorted out parking at the airport and worked out the public transport system and what ticket I need.

It's looking like I'll be travelling over there on my own. I'd been looking forward to a bit of company, but my friend has got ill. It's worse for her to actually be ill than it is for me to travel alone when I do that loads anyway, but I'm still a little disappointed that the weekend won't be quite what I hoped for. The important thing is that she gets herself well though, so I'm busy adjusting my plans a bit. In a way it might help me resist the temptation to do too much sightseeing and too little sleeping, but it would have been nice to have someone to share the whole experience with. I might just have to take my laptop so I can whinge online about my blisters and hope someone is listening!

Anyway, these things happen, and the important thing is that I'm still fit and healthy with a week and a half to go, and currently just praying that I don't pick anything up before next weekend!

The final countdown: M-12

I ran 4.4 miles this morning. My foot seemed OK for most of it (although my heart rate was strangely high), and didn't seem to react badly. I'm taking it on a day by day basis at the moment, but it felt good to be running, I think it's a confidence thing more than anything and I want to keep on reminding myself that I can run.

I also used today's run to try out a waist bag which I bought over the weekend for carrying gels. Normally I do my long runs with a Camelbak and while it's nice to constantly have Lucozade on tap, I'm not sure I want the extra weight on marathon day, when there are drinks available on the course anyway. But if I dump that, I need something else to carry my gels in (usually I just put them in a side pocket). I got myself a cheap, light, breathable waist bag and am trying to take it out on a few runs to see how it feels. I know, I know, I know. I should have tried it on a long run rather than just on the short ones, but I'm doing the best I can with the time available.

I'm still pondering the Camelbak though. It's what I'm used to, and it also means that I can drink something I'm used to on the way round rather than the strange German sports drink I've never tried before which they provide en route. But I know that it will be heavy at the start, and then I'll get to about mile 18, I'll have run out of Lucozade and I'll have to decide between carrying an empty, and annoying, camelbak for the next 8 miles or dumping it when it's almost brand new and I don't want to pay for another one. Whereas the waist thing was cheap enough that if I dump it I won't feel bad about it, so even if it does start to feel uncomfortable maybe I can just decide it's not worth it and carry on without it.

The final countdown: M - 13

The real coundown has started. Less than a fortnight to go!

A couple of updates. First, the bad. My foot hurts. I don't know why, I've reduced my mileage and it's not done anything too strenuous, but it definitely hurts - and it's been hurting since late Friday/early Saturday. It feels very much like it did when I had inflamed metatarsals back in April 2005, other than the blissful fact that it feels nowhere near as bad. That fixed itself in a week or so, so I'm not panicing just yet, but this isn't a good development. I don't know whether to run on it on the basis that I can, and I don't want to lose too much fitness, or whether to let it rest a while yet. I'll see how it feels in the morning. Rest seems like a good option at the moment.

Second, the obsessive. The list writing phase has started. I'm starting to write lists of everything. What I need to pack, what I need to put in my bag on the day, what I'm going to eat, and when, if I can think of a list to write, I'll write it. I really don't want to leave anything to chance. I have a couple more important jobs to do (parking at the airport and phoning my travel insurance company to see whether the exclusion relating to "professional or organised sport" applies to marathons run strictly as an amateur. Not professional, but definitely organised.

I'm going to try to update this blog a little more often in the countdown to the big day. After all, now I'm not running I've got more time for obsessing and blogging!

Taper-tastic

So, that's it then. The training is over, and it's time for the taper.

I did my last long run today. It was meant to be 20 miles, but I ended up only doing 17. The fact that I was disappointed to "only" run 17 miles (after a couple of very disrupted weeks with trips away - to Prague and to see my grandparents) really does show how far I've come.

In the next three weeks, conventional wisdom says, I can't do much to improve my performance in the marathon. I can only do things that will make me pick up injuries or get too tired. It's time to take it a bit easier. It's also time for a bit of reflection.

My training seems to have slacked off a bit in the past month. I've cut the length of a couple of runs, and I've had a week where I hardly ran at all (in Prague). I know that I could have trained better over the past month, and it pisses me off a bit that I haven't.

But equally, I ran 17 miles today in under 3 hours. Pretty close to 10 minute miles throughout. This time last year I was still stressing about trying to run a 10k in under an hour (and failing to do it on the big day). Two years ago I was over 18 stone, and even though I'd started getting fitter and thinner I didn't dream I'd ever be fit enough to run a marathon. Or indeed run at all. Three years ago the thought of getting fit had never even crossed my mind.

So what if my training hasn't been perfect, and if that sub-4 hour marathon will have to wait for a while. I've still put myself in a position where I know I'll be able to finish the run, even if I don't run it all, and I'll still get that medal whether I finish in 3 hours or 6.

I like setting myself tough targets, and having the 4 hour goal in my head has concentrated the mind at some times. But I also realise that, while it's still possible, it's not the be all and end all. If I finish the marathon, then that's a victory in itself. Lose 100lb and run a marathon. Check.

So anyway, it's time to relax a bit and try to let my legs recover a bit. Roll on the marathon - only 3 weeks to go!